If I had to listen my own perception of some of my qualities, I doubt I'd even be writing this blog and I certainly wouldn't feel as talented, gifted and useful as a writer and facilitator. On a more personal level, I would never recognise my beauty and ability to love and nurture.
So, is this a healthy or unhealthy way of improving our ever shifting level of esteem?
When is another person's opinion of you a gift and when is it soul destroying ... how do you know the difference? More importantly ... when is your own opinion of you the most damaging voice you should listen to?
Tell me where you are lacking in esteem or pose a situation where you are trying to determine who is seeing the real you.
Contemplate this: We are told to discover our own truth, but sometimes it's far too tarnished by our own lies.
4 comments:
Now this is an interesting topic!! Sorry I might go on a bit..!
As women (I'll leave men out of this for now), the entire world has placed their expectations and ideals of us on massive billboards and advertising campaigns. Only problem is, these "ideals" are fake. Oh it is so easy to get airbrushed and to photoshop the unwanted bits away, but is it real? I think not.
Not only do you get a society of women who want to look like the airbrushed barbies but they get horribly insecure when they realise they will always fail at doing so.
This affects our self-esteem. Are we good enough?
Every person has the ability to "make" or "break" someone else... we're all human, but like you say - who should we listen to?
I believe that we are all made for a purpose in life. Purpose is valueable, therefore I have a value. If you have a multitude of people believing the same thing, you have a sphere of influence - and a healthy one at that.
I think we need to learn how to judge what people say about us, in a healthy frame of mind - is it a negative opinion, is it constructive critisism, or is it a compliment? And if it simply is not necessary (ie out of jealousy or dislike) we need to learn to ignore it (easier said than done I know!).
But if we get to a place where we value ourselves then we have a more positive impact on ourselves. Since we are valueable, it is not false.
Here's a scenario where I have seen the impact of value in a big way:
Imagine a whole company of women - all races, all sizes, all ages. Thousands and thousands of women - each with a different story to tell. Some mothers, some daughters, some happy, some hurt. As they come together, they realise that they have something in common, they are all women! They are a sisterhood, a community. They realise their gifts as women to nurture, to teach, to uplift, to bring emotion are that which, only they can offer to the world. They bring balance to their male counterpart, wisdom to their younger ones and hope to other women. During this time, they are served by men - opening the doors, directing them, serving them lunch, then at the end from all over the venue, these men walk in (dressed up in tuxedos) and hand each woman a red rose. This is a significant action, especially for someone who does not value themselves or has been hurt by other people's opinion of them self or has been a victim of abuse.
This particular event occurs in 3 countries around the world although I know of similar ones elsewhere.
When a woman is encouraged, she automatically is enabled to encourage, therefore when a body of women find their sense of value, they become the sphere of influence and therefore can change lives.
So, after all that, do I think we should listen to other's opionions about us/let others influence our self-esteem? Yes - but only once we are at a place where we value who we are first and foremost. We can take the words of someone else and make it into what we like if our opinion of ourself is warped, and therefore becomes a false opinion.
Sorry I made this about women, but I am one, and I cant vouch for the way a man thinks about himself correctly, as I will never know!!! But the same rule applies to them - if they value themselves as a guy, knows who he is, what his purpose in life is - opinions are not that important, but merely to encourage and uplift us...
Thats all.. :)
The key to understanding who to listen to and who to avoid all depends on the understanding of esteem. We all judge ourselves and others on past experiences and form opinions either to protect or defend ... hardly ever out of truth. When we do this, we work from a place of perception.
No one person's perception is the same because the second you step into someone else's shoes it means they will have had to step out of theirs again. In your perception, how do you feel about yourself? In your perception, how do you judge the comment you have just received from someone? Be it a compliment or insult.
This is the key question - in your perception, why do you need the validation of anyone else to determine your worth?
The answer lies in the need for validation and the lack of belief in oneself. If we truly believe in our abilities, beauty, role in life (whatever it may be) ... the need for compliment, validation and encouragement would fall away all together.
Saarah, I am going to use your example of the women recieving the roses. In giving the roses to prove to women that they are appreciated and valued or in receiving the rose as reassurance of their worth ... both are done in low esteem.
However, if the esteem of men and women were not tarnished by the perceptions peoople placed on them in the past, the rose would have been give and received purely out of a space of love.
Love has no conditions and needs no reassurance. No meetings should be held for women to feel more noticed. No man should have to give a rose, a compliment or a smile for any other reason that loving the someone. Of all the people I have worked with, I have never seen a man not go through the exact anguish a woman experiences. An airbrushed six pack is just as detrimental.
If I say you should not listen to yourself, the ones you love most of all or the ones who don't like you that much ... how would you feel?
When you know who you are! When you believe in yourself! Would anything shift your preception of you? Even your own thoughts?
Well It's a really good question. I used live my life on what I thought how other people viewed me and what they thought of me and my actions. And that was everything good and bad. During the difficult period I went through with my ex wife, I realised this and that I was pouring all my energies into those around me and not into myself. I didn't know who I was anymore. After this realisation, I was quite shocked! It was as though I wasn't there for a few years, I was someone else not me! I have learn't now that people have opinions and that I have mine. I believe that I must stick to my opinions as well as learn from others. But I've realised that some of the things that I want in life will not necesarily make everyone happy, but I've realised that is tough and I'm going to do what makes ME happy. So now I listen to what other people say and in what context it is said in. I then take what I need and disregard the negative. It's hard sometimes, but I've got to then sit and think about it logically.
There's probably more where this came from, but this is it for now
Adrian
The most surprising answer to all of this is that sometimes we don't have self love enough to ever pass comment about ourselves and we should completely disregard our own opinions only rely on the ones who respect and love us. Just until what they are trying to show us forms some kind of spark of reality in our lives.
I have been blessed with people who have shown me the beauty of my physical and emotional self, the two things I spend my life belittling. Half the time I still don't believe the compliments, but its a damn site better to hold onto what they are saying to me in disbelief than cause any more damage to myself in the belief of my own person sabotage.
So ... until you do not need the reassurance of yourself or anyone else. Until who you are becomes a knowing and no one can shake your beliefs about yourself. Until then ... maybe it's wiser to listen to those who love you if they say better things than you voice to yourself. Better still ... keep track of what they say and make them the basis for your affirmations!
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